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Just stuff (things on my mind that aren't to do with writing)

Vacuum cleaners? They suck

vacuum cleaner &tils

Steve came home from the car boot with a vacuum cleaner. An enormous blue and chrome 50s monster that needs 2,000 Egyptian slaves to push it round the living room and when it’s switched on is so loud you can’t hear the dogs bark.

He was fantastically pleased with it. ‘Look at this,’ he said, as he wrestled it out of the boot. ‘Isn’t it great?’

‘But we’ve got a vacuum cleaner,’ I said. ‘In fact, we’ve got three, if we count the last two broken ones you got from the car boot. What are we going to do with this one?’

‘That’s just the point,’ he said proudly. ‘It can do anything.’

‘What, like take the kids to school?’

‘It’s an extraordinary machine. American, you know. They use it to power all sorts of stuff. You can spray paint with it.’


‘You can get all these amazing parts for it. There’s even a sort of stick attachment thingy that drills holes.’

I should have been firm. I should have said, ‘You already have five drills. And two paint guns, come to that.’

But he looked so pleased and eager that, against my better judgment, I gave in. I let the monster into our house. Of course it was far too heavy to carry up the stairs, unless you had a team of Sherpas handy, so I used it in the living room. It was very quickly apparent that it was completely useless. I found myself getting to the point where I would pick up any stray bits of stuff and put them directly in front of it. It was like showing a dog a biscuit. But after pushing the machine over the stuff and then heaving it away, stuff was still always there. If at any point you let go of the monster, the handle would fall on your foot. Cleaning sessions (not that there were many) would generally end with me kicking it, and spending the rest of the day with a faint ringing in my ears.

The cleaner went, very quickly, to its new home in the Outhouse of Doom. And as the years went by it was covered in other remnants of useless tat, as is the way of fossils and ridiculous machines.

That is, until last week when husband couldn’t fit anything more in the outhouse, and it was time To Get Rid Of Stuff.

‘It’s such a good thing,’ he said sadly. ‘Really well made.’ He looked at me hopefully. ‘It’s very versatile, you know. It can spray paint.’

This time, I stood firm.


Disclaimer: My husband would like it to be made clear that he didn’t actually want to spray paint with the vacuum cleaner, he just thought its ability to do this was the mark of a well made machine. He also claims the loss of suction was due to me hoovering up a sock (see previous post on socks), but that, yes, it does weigh the same as a small car.

About elainecanham

I started blogging because I'm a writer, and I thought I ought to. Now I realise that I blog because I lwant to; even when I can't think of much to say. I do a lot of work for local businesses - get in touch if you like my style.


19 thoughts on “Vacuum cleaners? They suck

  1. You have written glorious !

    Posted by cleaning supplies melbourne | June 22, 2014, 10:52 am
  2. So loud you can’t hear the dog bark? And you say it’s useless?

    Posted by Mikels Skele | June 14, 2014, 8:48 pm
    • That is a fair point. Plus, the dogs don’t have an off switch. Hmm. Maybe I shd get rid of them instead, and switch the vacuum cleaner on when the postman comes.

      Posted by elainecanham | June 15, 2014, 10:18 am
  3. Fabulous! It sounds as if it belongs in Dr Who with the Daleks!

    Posted by olganm | June 13, 2014, 10:35 pm
  4. Well, I like it, even though it doesn’t actually work. it’s a classic. You could make a sculpture out of it? Anyway, it is too warm to hoover….
    Yours, the invidious invidulator….still makes me laugh.

    Posted by Jools | June 13, 2014, 5:21 pm
  5. Hey…..pretty humorous…..I can totally relate.

    Posted by Love, Life & Whatever | June 13, 2014, 3:08 pm
  6. Okay, so I don’t need a giant heavy vacuum that drills holes and paints walls- but a team of Sherpas and 1000 Egyptian slaves would be AWESOME. This post is hysterical. Love it. After your ringing endorsement, I totally want one. Your husband forgot one thing, however, we don’t make anything in America anymore. We import positively everything from apples to computers from china. (Except Chinese food. We make that here)

    Posted by naptimethoughts | June 13, 2014, 12:12 pm
    • Ha ha. And Apple computers? You can have it if you want it. It is going on Ebay, but the postage to the US would be something else. You could probably get the Egyptian slaves out of bondage for the same cost.

      Posted by elainecanham | June 13, 2014, 5:30 pm
    • Eh, leave all that to Moses. I’ve got a Mac.

      Posted by naptimethoughts | June 13, 2014, 5:46 pm
  7. Ah. The Outhouse of Doom. Yes, I know it well. Thanks, Elaine, for another good chuckle.

    Loretta Livingstone


    Posted by Loretta Livingstone | June 13, 2014, 11:30 am
  8. (You have to say this comment out aloud) Ho-ver hell would bring such a thing home!

    Posted by Bruce Goodman | June 13, 2014, 10:32 am
  9. It might weigh the same as a small car but what small car sprays paint or has a sort of stick attachment to drill? This machine should have pride of place in the lounge to impress visitors.
    I happen to love car boots but admit here and now I’ve never bought an electrical item that actually does what it says on the tin. I suppose I should wonder what they’re doing on a car boot in the first place if they’re good.Though in fairness I did buy Mike a CD player last week that he says works great, perhaps that’s because it wasn’t for me.
    xxx Gigantic Hugs xxx

    Posted by davidprosser | June 13, 2014, 9:47 am

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