I don’t normally accept awards, because I can’t cope with the general request to think up seven interesting facts about myself. But Naptime Thoughts nominated me the other week for the Very Inspiring Blog award, in which (since she has changed the rules) you are allowed to lie through your teeth. How could I refuse?? Also, go check out her blog. It’s very good.
The first instruction is how you would change the world if you were in charge.
First off, I would banish:
- Hot flushes;
- Telephone answering systems – especially the ones that go, ‘Okay’ in a really irritating Lancashire accent. ‘You’ve told me you want to pay £5 off your balance. Shall I take £5,000 out of your account?’
- Dirty laundry. Everybody is to wear paper clothes and be issued with a rubber (or eraser, ed). Except me, who shall wear Valentino and look coolly magnificent at all times.
- The link between eating and putting on weight.
- The phrases, ‘Where’s my (insert word of choice)?’ ‘What’s for tea?’ and ‘Mum, this car is embarrassing.’
- Parking machines;
- Traffic wardens;
- People who talk to me in the third person when I’m with my children, ‘Does mum want to come in too?’
- Vets that call me mummy, ‘So mummy thinks you’re anally impacted, does she?’
- Every single human being that says, ‘Going forward,’ when talking about the future. Or uses the words, ‘facilitate, empowerment, framework conditions, or significant outcomes.’
- The North Sea.
- Magazines that are forever telling you to go out and buy new stuff. I don’t need new plates or a new sofa for Christmas. In fact, I don’t need to read about Christmas in October.
- All talk about Christmas until December 23.
(That’s enough moaning,ed).
Ok. Ten things I have to make up about myself, but that I wish were true.
Hmmm. Right. I would like to:
- be a model on a knitting pattern, next to a man (or two, I don’t mind) modelling a balaclava;
- speak fluent Japanese (and be able to show this off, regularly);
- sing like Aretha Franklin;
- play the banjo;
- win a BAFTA (for anything, really, just so as I can go to the awards ceremony and make a very long speech);
- make a Victoria Sponge that is more than 1cm tall.
So now I nominate:
Bruce Goodman, with the plea that he doesn’t stop blogging at the end of the year.
First Night Design, beautiful artwork, and great historical stuff;
Larry Woodgate, love his exasperated views of American politics;
Charles Yallowitz, check out his books;
Tara Sparling, one of the funniest bloggers I’ve read;
Sally, with her humorous views on motherhood;
Olga, who is possibly the kindest and cleverest blogger I’ve come across;
Mel Healy, really thoughtful stuff, and when he’s not being serious, very funny;
David Prosser, massive hugs;
Simon, check out his cooking – and his pictures.
All pictures via Creative Commons, courtesy of:
Annoying person: http://cdn.someecards.com/someecards/usercards/1331768942223_8086082.png
Clown car; http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e4/Shriner_Clowns_Ferndale_CA.jpg
Balaclava: https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3306/4619273877_b8d7380de6_z.jpg
Scrooge http://s0.geograph.org.uk/geophotos/01/92/41/1924169_d5367653.jpg
I will forever laugh at this:
“so mummy thinks you’re anally impacted, does she?”
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 27, 2014, 9:57 pmYes, it makes me snigger too. Even though I shouldn’t laugh at my own jokes.
Posted by elainecanham | October 27, 2014, 9:59 pmI laugh at my own jokes all the time. If I don’t think they’re funny, how is anyone else going to like them?
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 27, 2014, 10:00 pmWell, yes. I agree. But I suppose its just a British thing. Like saying you shouldn’t have a biscuit, while helping yourself to three.
Posted by elainecanham | October 27, 2014, 10:05 pmI’ll never understand ya’ll
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 27, 2014, 10:06 pmWe’re just tortured, repressed souls with a secret yearning to run about in the rainforest, chasing porcupines
Posted by elainecanham | October 27, 2014, 10:08 pmThat is the best award acceptance post I’ve read, and I actually enjoyed reading it, which is a change from a lot of “Acceptance” posts. I agree with you about Christmas which should begin about mid-day on the 23rd December in my opinion, although some preparatory decorating and tree-erecting is allowable before hand. If there was an award for the best acceptance post I would award it to you, and then I could enjoy making up the conditions of acceptance including stuff like, “Name five diets you have tried which have failed. You worst cooked meal. First shop-lifting experience. OK, you get the idea
Posted by Peter Wells aka Countingducks | October 27, 2014, 12:45 pmGo on then. Why not? But you have to do it first.
Posted by elainecanham | October 27, 2014, 2:11 pmI don’t think I ever went in for shop-lifting, but I was prosecuted once for riding two up on a bicycle, in contravention of the 1972 Road Traffic Act, and riding a bicycle on a pavement, in contravention of the 1894 Footpath Act. I was fined £3 for the first offence and £2 for the the second. Those were the days.
Posted by elainecanham | October 27, 2014, 2:20 pmYes! No more talking about Christmas in October. But I still need to start making my Christmas cards in August, if that’s ok with you. 🙂
Posted by Jools | October 21, 2014, 2:57 pmNooooooo! Oh well, it’s nearly Christmas, you go right ahead Jools!
Posted by elainecanham | October 21, 2014, 3:07 pmWhat have you unleased, Elaine?? Giving me permission to lie?? My nearest and dearest are in despair. I only heard about this half an hour ago and so far I’ve already re-invented religion and run for government.
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 10:35 pm*Unleashed. Not unleased. Sigh. Although the financial implications are still considerable.
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 10:35 pmAh, but you can lie about them, too.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 10:40 pmGood, good. I like the sound of that.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 10:40 pmBut if I lie about lying, then we’re multiplying a negative by a negative which is three-quarters of the truth, and then, uh, then you put the fox and the grain in the boat, and put the hen on the shore, right?…
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 10:44 pmHmm. I think you need a nice cup of tea and biscuit. Never mind about foxes and stuff. Just add a bit of verisimilitude to an otherwise unconvincing narrative, and you’ll be fine.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 11:41 pmI can’t digest words of more than 0.5 syllables at this hour. I will have a T please Bob.
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 11:50 pmThanks Elaine especially for your kind words.Love your suggestions…I’d like to see you in Room 101…:)
Posted by olganm | October 20, 2014, 9:21 pmTrouble is, I wouldn’t be able to stop; all those seemingly daily irritations that mount up until you just want to scream, like Peter Finch in the film, ‘Throw open your window now, and shout: “I’m as mad as hell, and I don’t give a damn!”‘
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 9:27 pmReblogged this on naptimethoughts and commented:
Elaine’s contribution to the last award I will be accepting and passing on. Where, may I ask, are the rest of you? Hmmmmm???
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:22 pmI thank you Elaine, and once I finish my last bit of homework I shall officially become award free. Time sucks, those are. (Imagine that in my fake British accent)
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:19 pmOh, and you’re getting that last one too. Love you!
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:20 pmUH???? What last one??? (And you can imagine that in my fake Scooby Doo accent)
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:32 pmUmmm… The Writers Blog Tour that I accidentally told the person who gave it to me that I’d do, even though I’ve already done it once, and it was a disaster, and I have to write it by the 30th and have to pass it on to the BEST bogger I know, so I instantly thought of you. (whew)
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:42 pmNo, I’ve done that. Shove it over to Tara, she’ll do it in two ticks.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:43 pmBut thank you for the compliment.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:43 pmFantastic award acceptance, by the way. Best. Ever.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:43 pmWell, hardly. But thanks, again. 🙂
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:45 pmTara it is. Sure you don’t want to write another one?
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:46 pmyes. truly.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:47 pmI kind of have a hard time saying “no” to things.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:47 pmReally??? Right, well, you can give me all your money and come and clean my house
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 10:33 pmGood thing there’s an ocean separating us. Whew.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 21, 2014, 12:01 pmWhoa there! Ta for the compliment. But I’m currently having difficulty fitting life into my schedule. I believe I next have some life on November 16th at 3pm. Until then, I am undercover as a blue-arsed fly (to quote a recent blogger I know)
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 10:33 pmLook, Tara, we’re just organising your life in the blogosphere, okay? So you don’t have to. It’s a favour, really. For you. If you think about it one way, it’s lessening your workload, smoothing the wrinkles in life’s path. Ah come on, you’re an award winning blogger, famed throughout Ireland, you could write this on the back of your hand, while eating some arse biscuits. You can’t let your public down, now, can you???
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 10:39 pmYou see, now you’ve gone and mentioned arse biscuits, and opened up a whole new can of metaphors. What if my blogosphere persona was to just go and do it and notify me later?
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 10:46 pmSounds fine to me. In fact anything sounds fine to me, as long as I don’t have to do it. I’m still reeling from encountering the word disintermediation in a piece of copy today. Can you imagine???
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 11:29 pmGood Lord, no. Do I have to? I’d rather just think about the biscuits.
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 20, 2014, 11:48 pmPleeeeeeeeease, Tara? Elaine’s being mean. I need someone to come to my rescue.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 21, 2014, 12:03 pmI really wish I could help you, Naptime. But I am scheduled to save the world 6 times before November, and then Nanowrimo starts. [Disclaimer: one of these statements may be a lie, but both of them are taking up pretty much all of my time, forcing me to commit to saying no to absolutely everything, including a free breakfast biscuit this morning, which made me sad]
Posted by Tara Sparling | October 21, 2014, 12:46 pmBut you must have loads of followers who’d be only to pleased to do this, Naptime. What about that really good writer who did that post on the Chanel advert? She’d be great.
Posted by elainecanham | October 21, 2014, 1:18 pmThankee Kindly. Shall I take £5000 from your bank account?
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
Posted by davidprosser | October 20, 2014, 8:09 pmIf you can find it, I’ll go halves with you!
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:18 pmWho? Meee!!!
Well Thanky, as Snuffy Smith would say
Posted by lbwoodgate | October 20, 2014, 7:51 pmOh, that’s so cute! My pleasure, Larry
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:36 pmI’d go with everything on that top list! Bless you for the nomination but as I said….! Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Posted by First Night Design | October 20, 2014, 7:16 pmMy pleasure. I love your blog. I’m a sucker for pictures and history.
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 7:20 pmAnd I’m a sucker for your sense of humour!
Posted by First Night Design | October 20, 2014, 7:22 pmThanks for the nomination. Given it is different I shall attempt to comply! When you said you were lying, I reckon you were lying through your teeth.
Posted by Bruce Goodman | October 20, 2014, 6:56 pmSorry, my logic processors are malfunctioning here! Matron!
Posted by elainecanham | October 20, 2014, 8:38 pmHooray Bruce! I ran out of crap to divulge about myself a billion years ago, but I can never just say no… So I started changing the rules. Makes it more fun.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 20, 2014, 8:50 pmDone, and I changed the badge because I AM A BLAGGER /BLOGGER/BUGGER/DRAMA QUEEN. http://bbgoodman.wordpress.com/award/
Posted by Bruce Goodman | October 21, 2014, 12:02 amExcellent.
Posted by naptimethoughts | October 24, 2014, 5:08 pm