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humour, Just stuff (things on my mind that aren't to do with writing)

Be afraid, be very afraid…


So you’ve spent weeks planning what to buy people, you’ve braved the crowds and trawled the internet until your eyes bleed and your credit card crumbles. And then you wake up on Christmas morning and discover that your nearest and dearest have had mass hypnosis, or frontal lobotomies (or one too many sherries), and have decided that you really needed a dressing gown that you can wear while appearing on Only Fools and Horses:


(from play.com)

Or, possibly a pair of socks (pretend you’re a Brit on holiday!) :



Gloves that look like underpants? Yes, handerpants are just for you! (Slip them on and pretend you’re having that perfect apres ski moment with the Beckhams):


They might even have got you a farting teddy bear (he just can’t help himselfyou are in for a surprise!)



And look at this nice wallet. Mmm. Tasty. (You’ll bring home the bacon in this, fnar, fnar)



But, (and be afraid here, be very afraid) all this is as nothing when I tell you that my husband, who is a practical kind of guy, was once stuck for what to give his brother as a Christmas present.

‘I know exactly the thing,’ his dad said. ‘He needs a manhole cover.’

(He got screwdrivers)





raindeer hat courtesy of http://www.baronbob.com/humping-reindeer-har.htm

About elainecanham

I started blogging because I'm a writer, and I thought I ought to. Now I realise that I blog because I lwant to; even when I can't think of much to say. I do a lot of work for local businesses - get in touch if you like my style.


38 thoughts on “Be afraid, be very afraid…

  1. I’ll have the socks and the farty bear, please. Lily will have the bacon wallet – she says it looks tasty.

    Posted by Jools | December 15, 2014, 6:23 pm
  2. I want them all. If the purpose of this posting was to instil greed and covetousness, then you succeeded.

    Posted by Bruce Goodman | December 15, 2014, 5:44 pm
  3. Thank God you posted this. I was beginning to think that the hob-nailed boots I bought you in the shape of Greenland might have been a bit naff. Although I did think you’d prefer them to my first choice, which was a duck-fat candle whittled into the shape of a large Cossack.

    Posted by Tara Sparling | December 15, 2014, 5:15 pm
  4. I can see how this could roll and roll. Mind you, if Lady Gaga can wear a meat dress…

    Posted by olganm | December 15, 2014, 4:28 pm
  5. The underwear gloves and the bacon walnut are on my Wish List. How did you know? 😀 😀 😀

    Posted by Let's CUT the Crap! | December 15, 2014, 4:05 pm
  6. Boy, have I been living under a rock! I think I’ll crawl in just a bit deeper, after seeing these!

    But. Socks and sandals are a bad thing?

    Posted by Maggie Wilson | December 15, 2014, 2:03 pm
  7. I actually know someone who bought a bacon wallet. The thing doesn’t even look cooked.

    Posted by Charles Yallowitz | December 15, 2014, 12:41 pm
  8. Looks to me as if they couldn’t find anyone to actually model that reindeer hat. It appears to have been copied and pasted on her head. Would she be smiling like that if she was really looking like Frau Nerd?

    Posted by lbwoodgate | December 15, 2014, 12:37 pm
  9. Those handerpants are going on my Christmas list! 🎁

    Posted by amandalyle1986 | December 15, 2014, 11:58 am
  10. I think half my family would be delighted with the farting bear. I won’t say which half.

    Posted by Dylan Hearn | December 15, 2014, 11:54 am
  11. You’re right. I’m afraid. Amongst last years gifts were a sponge moustache on a stick and socks with various animal characters on ( wrong size ) as well as a game where I electrocute myself if I touch a wire while trying to complete a jourrney from one end of a wire to the other with a looped wire stick.
    OK, so I’m guilty of passing those on this year to some other poor soul.
    xxx Huge Hugs xxx

    Posted by davidprosser | December 15, 2014, 11:53 am
  12. To be honest, I could see myself pressing the remote control for the farting bear so I could see the looks on young visitor’s faces. The rest of the stuff, however, can stay at the store.
    Except… I could always use another pair or two of socks. Don’t know how I go through them so quickly. *shrugs*

    Posted by rosedandrea | December 15, 2014, 11:52 am
    • socks yes, but, pleeese, not sandal socks. British men have only just been trained not to wear socks with sandals; don’t let this nightmare start again!

      Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 12:03 pm
    • Socks with sandals is (in my humble opinion) of the devil. Make up your mind. Either wear real shoes or leave the socks at home. *shudders*

      Posted by rosedandrea | December 15, 2014, 12:13 pm
  13. Confession time: I quite fancy the bacon wallet.

    Posted by Irish writer Mel Healy | December 15, 2014, 11:27 am

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