So you’ve spent weeks planning what to buy people, you’ve braved the crowds and trawled the internet until your eyes bleed and your credit card crumbles. And then you wake up on Christmas morning and discover that your nearest and dearest have had mass hypnosis, or frontal lobotomies (or one too many sherries), and have decided that you really needed a dressing gown that you can wear while appearing on Only Fools and Horses:
(from play.com)
Or, possibly a pair of socks (pretend you’re a Brit on holiday!) :
(iwantoneofthose.com)
Gloves that look like underpants? Yes, handerpants are just for you! (Slip them on and pretend you’re having that perfect apres ski moment with the Beckhams):
They might even have got you a farting teddy bear (he just can’t help himself…you are in for a surprise!)
And look at this nice wallet. Mmm. Tasty. (You’ll bring home the bacon in this, fnar, fnar)
But, (and be afraid here, be very afraid) all this is as nothing when I tell you that my husband, who is a practical kind of guy, was once stuck for what to give his brother as a Christmas present.
‘I know exactly the thing,’ his dad said. ‘He needs a manhole cover.’
(He got screwdrivers)
raindeer hat courtesy of http://www.baronbob.com/humping-reindeer-har.htm
Writer's notebook 
I’ll have the socks and the farty bear, please. Lily will have the bacon wallet – she says it looks tasty.
Posted by Jools | December 15, 2014, 6:23 pmI cd probably find one covered in catnip…or vole skin
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 6:31 pmI want them all. If the purpose of this posting was to instil greed and covetousness, then you succeeded.
Posted by Bruce Goodman | December 15, 2014, 5:44 pmI have to admit I’m quite attracted by the reindeer shagging hat…
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 6:08 pmOMG! I never noticed what they were doing. I want what they’re getting for Xmas.
Posted by Bruce Goodman | December 15, 2014, 9:43 pmThank God you posted this. I was beginning to think that the hob-nailed boots I bought you in the shape of Greenland might have been a bit naff. Although I did think you’d prefer them to my first choice, which was a duck-fat candle whittled into the shape of a large Cossack.
Posted by Tara Sparling | December 15, 2014, 5:15 pmYes, you’re bang on, as usual, Tara. I’ve already got a pair of those candles and what I thought was a genuine Afridi djebella, but it turned out to be a tea towel.
Send those boots immediately! I hope they’re lined with fake lime green fur and have little orange dice on the ends of the laces.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 6:07 pmThey’re on their way to you. I’m sending them by yak. I thought it best, after the incident with the nun and the ginger nuts.
Posted by Tara Sparling | December 15, 2014, 10:19 pmNot yaks again. Last time, they ate the wing mirrors off next door’s car.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 10:48 pmDamn, I forgot. But they’re not sale or return. Look, when they arrive, just give them some warm mead and do some Mongolian throat singing. That usually keeps them calm.
Posted by Tara Sparling | December 15, 2014, 11:21 pmI’m practising now.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 11:38 pmI can see how this could roll and roll. Mind you, if Lady Gaga can wear a meat dress…
Posted by olganm | December 15, 2014, 4:28 pmso, that’s her sorted then…
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 5:02 pmThe underwear gloves and the bacon walnut are on my Wish List. How did you know? 😀 😀 😀
Posted by Let's CUT the Crap! | December 15, 2014, 4:05 pmI looked into my solar powered crystal ball with key-finder attachment
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 4:12 pmI am i.m.p.r.e.s.s.e.d. you’d go to all that trouble. 😀
😀 😀
Posted by Let's CUT the Crap! | December 15, 2014, 6:21 pmBoy, have I been living under a rock! I think I’ll crawl in just a bit deeper, after seeing these!
But. Socks and sandals are a bad thing?
Posted by Maggie Wilson | December 15, 2014, 2:03 pmIt’s a national joke in Britain; men in socks, sandals and ill fitting khaki shorts. You don’t see so many of them these days. We’re talking socks and Jesus sandals here, not socks and Mary Janes.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 2:07 pm🙂 Thanks for the cultural lesson. I’ll bear this in mind!
Posted by Maggie Wilson | December 15, 2014, 2:11 pmIt’s odd what we don’t know about each other, isn’t it? And that we don’t know that we don’t know, if you see what I mean.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 2:14 pm🙂
Posted by Maggie Wilson | December 15, 2014, 2:15 pmI actually know someone who bought a bacon wallet. The thing doesn’t even look cooked.
Posted by Charles Yallowitz | December 15, 2014, 12:41 pmWould it be better if it did?
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 1:18 pmPersonally, I think it would look more sanitary. Salmonella sucks. Still be extremely tacky though.
Posted by Charles Yallowitz | December 15, 2014, 1:25 pmSanitary but greasy. I suppose that might be better than clammy and disease-ridden.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 2:05 pmLooks to me as if they couldn’t find anyone to actually model that reindeer hat. It appears to have been copied and pasted on her head. Would she be smiling like that if she was really looking like Frau Nerd?
Posted by lbwoodgate | December 15, 2014, 12:37 pmyes, I thought that too!
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 1:17 pmThose handerpants are going on my Christmas list! 🎁
Posted by amandalyle1986 | December 15, 2014, 11:58 amNoooooooooo!
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 12:04 pmI think half my family would be delighted with the farting bear. I won’t say which half.
Posted by Dylan Hearn | December 15, 2014, 11:54 amBest not to.
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 12:04 pmYou’re right. I’m afraid. Amongst last years gifts were a sponge moustache on a stick and socks with various animal characters on ( wrong size ) as well as a game where I electrocute myself if I touch a wire while trying to complete a jourrney from one end of a wire to the other with a looped wire stick.
OK, so I’m guilty of passing those on this year to some other poor soul.
xxx Huge Hugs xxx
Posted by davidprosser | December 15, 2014, 11:53 amAt least its recycling….and you can’t say you’ve killed the planet with a farting bear x
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 12:04 pmTo be honest, I could see myself pressing the remote control for the farting bear so I could see the looks on young visitor’s faces. The rest of the stuff, however, can stay at the store.
Except… I could always use another pair or two of socks. Don’t know how I go through them so quickly. *shrugs*
Posted by rosedandrea | December 15, 2014, 11:52 amsocks yes, but, pleeese, not sandal socks. British men have only just been trained not to wear socks with sandals; don’t let this nightmare start again!
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 12:03 pmSocks with sandals is (in my humble opinion) of the devil. Make up your mind. Either wear real shoes or leave the socks at home. *shudders*
Posted by rosedandrea | December 15, 2014, 12:13 pmConfession time: I quite fancy the bacon wallet.
Posted by Irish writer Mel Healy | December 15, 2014, 11:27 amGood egg!
Posted by elainecanham | December 15, 2014, 11:28 am