I’ve always been rubbish at sports. If you gave me an egg and spoon at primary school I would drop them; enter me in a race and I would come in last, complaining of a stitch.
And I suppose I would always have been rotten at anything energetic, if it weren’t for the fact that when I was 12 my dad got a job in Jamaica. Everybody is good at sports in Jamaica. Even the cats there can swim. So I swam. Boy did I swim.
But even though I learned how to swim enormous distances, I remained scornful of anyone on dry land using their legs just for the sake of it. I mean, what was the point? Why jog anywhere, when you could catch a bus? Why pay money to walk on a conveyor belt in an airless room when you could just go for a walk? And why walk when you could sit down with a mug of tea, a packet of chocolate digestives and a decent book?
Sport was for earnest individuals who all overdid it and died young. As a journalist I was forever doing stories about squash players and joggers who had multiple heart attacks. Exercise was obviously really, really bad for you. So, naturally, I spent most of the eighties clubbing, drinking and generally behaving outrageously. Years passed, I got married, had kids and then I saw a video of myself at a party. OMFG.
There’s a field next to us with a farm track running through it. One day, while walking the dogs, and just out of interest, you understand, I thought I’d see how far I could run. I got ten steps. Ten! And I was wheezing like I had lung cancer. Maybe I had lung cancer!!! The next day I tried again – 12 steps. Hey hey! The next day I couldn’t be bothered. And so it went on. I began to run every day. Badly. I didn’t move my arms up and down because I reckoned it wasted energy. So I looked like a flapping zombie. My son found out what I was doing and told me, ‘Mum, nobody runs like that. Seriously. You look weird.’ Tah!
Came the day, my chest on fire, I got to the gate at the bottom of the field and hung on to the bars as if they were a life raft. The dogs, who had raced me all the way, hoping that I was going to do something interesting like throw a ball, sat for a second watching me, and then ran off with no effort at all, while I tottered home.
So then I started going to exercise class. It’s horrible. I have to make lots of physical effort, and my legs hurt, and my arms ache, and there is always a point where I am amazed that I haven’t died. Seriously. I mean, Sue who runs the class makes us run on the spot for at least three minutes to warm up. That’s cruel and unusual punishment, isn’t it? And then we have to do more stuff. Jumping up and down and stretching and press ups and so forth. For a whole hour. It’s really not natural.
But afterwards, I feel so bloody marvellous the rest of the day is a breeze. I might as well have a bluebird on my shoulder and seven dwarves juggling the crockery in the kitchen. In fact, it makes me feel so good, I’ve started boxercise too. A few weeks ago, Sue looked at me thoughtfully and said, ‘You could do a 10k run, you know.’
No way.
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Writer's notebook 
well I love your humor – and I also wanted to say that this is why I exercise too:
“But afterwards, I feel so bloody marvellous the rest of the day is a breeze…”
well said – have a great week, 🙂
Posted by prior | September 12, 2014, 3:53 amthank you! am just thinking up possible excuses for not going this morning…but of course I’ll probably go.
Posted by elainecanham | September 12, 2014, 7:48 amLaughing counts as exercise. Elaine helps keep me svelte.
Posted by naptimethoughts | September 12, 2014, 12:27 pmThank you NTT! Wish laughing kept me svelte. Have just come back from weekly torture session. Still, I’m happy, especially after a large slice of cake.
Posted by elainecanham | September 12, 2014, 12:33 pmLove it Elaine!
Posted by MikeW | September 2, 2014, 11:54 pmThanks, Mike!
Posted by elainecanham | September 3, 2014, 8:58 amHi, Elaine. Lively blog you’ve got going here. Thanks for checking out mine. Peace, John
Posted by John Coleman | August 3, 2014, 3:30 pmThanks, John. Nice of you to visit. I enjoy your blog too.
Posted by elainecanham | August 3, 2014, 4:57 pmI was advised (a long time ago, in the navy) that “You are allocated just so-many heart beats in a lifetime. Why use them up needlessly?” and methinks he had a point.
Since then I’ve conserved mine assiduously—essential exercise only (and lots of it, boom-boom!) …
It’s amazing now to go on the ‘old shippies’ web pages and see just how many have ‘crossed the bar’.
Me? I’ll run up it and duck under when I get there—it might just work …
Posted by Argus | July 4, 2014, 9:22 amI’ll send you some choccy biscuits!
Posted by elainecanham | July 4, 2014, 12:35 pmI finally found an exercise “situation” I can make peace with. I had to take a 2 month break from it. Health issues and exercise are a frustrating combination. But I’m losing weight and maintaining (even during the 2-month break). I like the endorphin thing, too–almost enough to remain committed to the routine. Although, I am not the insane person who lives to exercise. 😉
Posted by Deborah | July 4, 2014, 7:13 amno, those kind of people can be really scary.
Posted by elainecanham | July 4, 2014, 12:34 pmI went to the gym this morning for the second time this week – and also for the second time this year – and also for perhaps only the third or fourth time this decade. I guess I love exercise about as much as you. But how strange, as I was putting the bones of a post together this morning – on exercising – because going twice in one week has made me feel oh, so virtuous! You’re right too – a bit of exercise in the morning does make the day seem brighter. Those magnificent endorphins at work.
Posted by Jools | July 3, 2014, 3:08 pmyes, how I revel in my endorphins, and that gorgeous sense of smug well being.
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 3:14 pmVery funny and enlightening post about your experience! Hope you keep running and exercising.
10K in a year maybe?
Posted by ECVtalks | July 3, 2014, 9:54 amI might watch someone else do it…I could jump up and down at the end in a supportive sort of way!
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 10:10 amLol, I agree. Someone propositioned me doing a 5K today so I rescind my question about the 10K.
Posted by ECVtalks | July 3, 2014, 10:40 pm🙂
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 11:11 pmI started running during my final year of high school after climbing two flights of stairs–I felt like death and could barely hold a conversation. It was time, I told myself, I had to work on my health. I ran two 5Ks, and neither time it was about my speed, it was about finishing.
Then I moved to upstate New York where running outside is only pleasant two months out of the year. Unfortunately the thing about fitness is that you have to actually keep active to maintain the whole “being able to breathe on the stairs” thing going.
Posted by Sabina | July 3, 2014, 7:31 amOr buy a bungalow
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 8:12 amOh how I miss swimming! It’s the only exercise I don’t get bored with but I’m too lazy to actually renew my membership for the local pool 😦
Posted by Sally | July 3, 2014, 6:28 amYes, and all that faffing about with towels and goggles and shampoo; makes me tired before I even start.
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 7:19 amI’m sticking to swimming, thanks. Anything involving legs and dry land, I’m trapped forever in flapping zombie, the joke of the gym class.
Posted by helen meikle's scribblefest | July 3, 2014, 1:23 amIt’s just such a great buzz. And nobody laughs at me (well, not in a bad way!)
Posted by elainecanham | July 3, 2014, 5:53 amThe great thing about exercise is that it’s even better if you do it with someone. I’ll bring the digestives.
Posted by penjedi | July 2, 2014, 5:36 pmyes, there were six of us this morning and it was a really good laugh
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 6:11 pmI see you’ve eaten all the dark chocolate digestive again. Serves you right if you have to jog tomorrow now.
xxx Massive Hugs xxx
Posted by davidprosser | July 2, 2014, 5:18 pmActually I have some of those really nice continental biscuits – you know, the ones that are like a square rich tea with a slab of dark chocolate on the top? – hidden on the top shelf by my desk….x
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 5:30 pmWatch it, there, Missus! You almost inspired me to get back on my Wii fit machine!
Posted by Maggie Wilson | July 2, 2014, 5:15 pmSorry!
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 5:28 pmGo you. I too am undergoing an exercise metamorphosis, only mine is called “kids are home for the summer”. It also sucks. But then they go to bed, and I feel great for the rest of the day.
Posted by naptimethoughts | July 2, 2014, 4:33 pmYes, I know that feeling very well. Enjoy it while you can, because very shortly, they will stay up too, and demand to know why you’re watching such rubbish on the telly, and did you know what wine does to your liver etc etc etc. It’s like living with your parents all over again…
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 4:54 pmSounds delightful. Although if they consider Spongebob Squarepants rubbish, then it might be worth the trade.
Posted by naptimethoughts | July 2, 2014, 5:34 pmHah!
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 5:36 pmhahahaha I can totally relate! My students always ask me if I play sports, and I always laugh out my “No.” But I do love that feeling after exercising, and my husband and I desperately need to be healthier, so… we’re getting gym memberships. Yikes.
Posted by seriouslysoap | July 2, 2014, 3:33 pmIt’s when you stop exercising (once having started) that the weight goes on. I’m living proof!!
Posted by Bruce Goodman | July 2, 2014, 2:48 pmYou mean I’m condemned forever to jumping up and down? Nooooooooooo!
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 3:12 pmThe bulldog before and after comparison is a classic example of pet ownership’s love going over the edge. 🙂
Like you, if it hadn’t been for sports in school and beyond I likely wouldn’t have made any efforts at burning calories outside of wrist bending to play board games and getting up to walk across the room to change TV channels before they had remotes.
Posted by lbwoodgate | July 2, 2014, 2:31 pmyes, I mean where would we be without remote controls? Still, you get reasonable finger exercise with them. That must burn a few calories….
Posted by elainecanham | July 2, 2014, 2:34 pm